Such a girl

I am realizing more and more just how much of a girl I am. I put on perfume and feel better about life. One of my favorite things is my shimmery and glittery lipgloss. And when it's warm, I love wearing skirts. Girl for sure. And I actually like that about me now. Like the little things in life that give life. Well add sparkles to the list. There is a lady who came into work who talks about "little luxuries" in life. Little things that are special. I can relate. I would rather have something that I enjoy than something that just gets the job done.

On a different note, but equally in the little things, why does coffee that you buy when someone else makes it seem to taste better? Or maybe it's the joy of getting it. What good experience though. I have a friday tradition now of stopping by my favorite cafe to get a coffee (and usually a muffin) on my way to work. And I get to see the same people working there each week. That is great and so important. Also, the other coffee shop that was close to our house closed, so I'll do my part to keep this one around.

I love listening to music too. Music and journalling is amazing, especially with some coffee and maybe candles. Good to just take time and reflect and be. How often do we waste time on things that don't matter but not take enough time on the things that do? Breathing in and breathing out. Everyone talks about how there is not enough time and somehow more would get done if we had more. Not quite true cause we won't get more, less sometimes perhaps. So what do you do with the time that you have?

Coming home from work, I was used to running around and being busy all day, then I drove home trying to get there as soon as possible to make it to my slot in the prayer room. Then slowing down was hard and took a little time. Interesting how we can get so wound up, at least I do. Just stop and breathe. And how you go about things changes. Like a car ride being a great time to listen to your music and chill cause you can't do anything to make it go faster.

Speaking of time, sometimes it can be so precious and those moments are worth hanging on to. Some of them can be so surreal too. Like last spring, I got to talk to my Grandma on the phone when we knew that she was dying. I didn't have time to go see her cause she may not have been there by the time I was around, so we had a phone call. What do you say when you know that that is the last conversation that you will have? Suddenly words are lost. What is there? "I love you. And thank you." That's it really. So surreal and heart wrenching, yet I am so thankful for that conversation. How special that I got to have a moment of a goodbye. How inadequate you feel at that moment. Did she know how much I loved her? Does it come across through the telephone lines? Did I express it enough while she was around? Could I have written more letters, or called more? Yes probably and yet she knew. She knew that we loved her. And that conversation was the end of that stage of our relationship. Really what do you say? Bye Grandma, I love you. And time stands still in the moment, like hanging up is too hard and just being there for a bit is all that is possible and needed. Who needs words when there are none to be had? I love you and thank you, really all the words that are needed.

Grandma believed in us. I know that. She loved us. It was so sweet that the last few years that she was around, she let us know more. She said that she loved us, she flew us home for Grandpa's funeral, so that we would be there with her. "I couldn't do it without all my girls." Sure Grandma, I'd be honored to be there for and with you. And I got to see her more in the last 6 months that she was alive than the few years before that. I am so thankful that I was in Michigan for a while and got to spend that time. That is when time is important and sweet and so hard at the same time cause this person that you love has a body that is not working up to the standard that it should be. And you knew that it was getting to be that time. And you prayed that it would be painless for her and that everyone would be able to let go, including her.

She bought me a computer, she bought me a really nice computer, saying that it would mean more when I couldn't afford it. That she would like to get to see me enjoy it while she was around. She made me scream when I found out that she was going to do that for me. People were asking what was going on and I couldn't talk. I love you Grandma and thank you.